Letter to an Abuser

As you may know, I run a support group at my church for women who have been sexually abused or assaulted called Beyond the Silence. In this group, one of the many difficult things that we do is write a letter to our abusers. We don't give it to them. We write it for ourselves. We write it because while naming and describing the evil done to us does not ensure automatic personal healing, it does however provide clarity. If it is not defined, named or described, then it remains hidden. Telling the truth about sexual assault by acknowledging the traumatic experience is one important aspect of healing. The only way to move from denial, isolation, and self-protection is to look honestly at the assault that has been committed. Healing begins when the secret is disclosed and the shackles of silence are broken. I say this letter is for ourselves because, while confronting your abuser may seem like the right thing to do, it is different for each person. For some it might be a great thing to do. They may confront their abuser, receive an apology, and feel a sense of freedom or closure. However, for others, confrontation may only worsen the effects of the assault. For example, I wrote a letter to the man who kidnapped me but I didn't give it to him because I know that he isn't remorseful. Confronting him probably won't lead to an apology, but I don't need one from him. Would it be amazing if he suddenly was remorseful and sincerely apologized? Yes! But I don't need it to move on and continue my healing. That is something that every survivor must come to realize someday in order to continue their healing as well.


Writing this letter to your abuser is never easy. Many women find it too difficult to do. Even though they're writing it only for themselves to read, they're still reliving details from their pasts that they've desperately kept hidden for a long time. One of the women in my group wrote a letter to her abuser and she gave me permission to share it with you. I hope it touches your heart the way it did mine.

Emily,

It has taken me 34 years to be able to deal with the pieces of broken glass you left me with. To be able to look in the mirror and not hate what I see; not hate how I feel; not be suspicious of everyone who tried to hug me, to love me or be my friend. It's sad to think that you may not remember what you did. I cannot fathom that a predator like you would forget the pleasure you found when you sexually assaulted my sister and I at the ages of 8 and 10. Now that I am a mother of four I have thought back to when they were 8 and 10 and it made me sick to the core of my being that someone could look at them in the perverse and unnatural way you looked at us. I couldn't bear the thought of what you did to us being done to them. But enough of that. This letter is to share some very important information with you. If you'll understand or even care is irrelevant, but I need to return to you what you left me with back in 1980; back in my sister's bedroom, on the bottom bunk of their bunk beds as you muffled my cries with your nasty hand.  

I return to you the shame, feelings of unworthiness, anger, bitterness, sexual dysfunction, fear of the dark, fear of intimacy, and self-loathing. These feelings have now been replaced. My spirit, my body, and my heart now speak a language that is foreign to you.....strength.

I return to you the 100 billion tears I've shed; the 100 billion sleepless nights; the 100 billion thoughts of hate towards you and replace them with steps towards being made whole and feeling free.

I also return to you the pain and angst that penetrated the core of my being every day. That made me question everything and everyone; which left me trusting no one and hating my future because I couldn't see anything but your face smirking at me.

I return to you that ache that sat in my womb at the thought of someone doing to my kids what you did to me.

Now that I've returned all these things to you, I am also going to give you something; something that isn't for you Emily, but for me.....forgiveness. Forgiveness because although I am working on being a better me, I cannot do this without exorcising this hate I have for you. It's been the cancer that has gone undetected and undiagnosed for years. It's the cancer which almost ended my life on many occasions. But I have found the perfect physician who offered me a cure. His name is Jesus Christ and His cure for my disease is forgiveness. You should make an appointment with Him and ask Him to forgive you too. Maybe then, when your time comes, you won't rot in Hell with the other pedophiles and sexual predators. Make no mistake, I would love to see you squirm and suffer; to hear you scream and know that no one is coming to your aid; to see what your life would be like after an experience like that, but, because of you, I've been brought to a place with some amazing survivors. With a group of women who have endured and who aren't willing to let people like you destroy our futures. I've learned that everyone isn't cruel; that I'm not abnormal; that I'm not meant to be a shell taking up space.

Writing this letter to you is me making the assumption that you're literate and capable of recognizing and admitting what you did to me and my little sister. But it is also my way of saying goodbye to your unwelcome existence in my life. I'm learning to pick up my mat and walk by faith, one step at a time.

Anne

Daughter of a King

Thank you Anne for letting me share your letter. And, yes, all that's dead inside can be reborn...even if you're worn.

"But you be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work." - 2 Chronicles 15:7

 

WORN by Tenth Avenue North

♥ Diana
(aka Jurney Eve)

Forgiveness-The Prisoner That it Really Frees is You

Forgiving someone who's done you wrong is one of the hardest things to do. I know because I've done it. 

For those of you who aren't familiar with my story, I was kidnapped by a stranger when I was 17 years old. It took me a very, very long time to forgive that man, but with God's help I finally did. 

Just to give you some perspective on how long it took me to truly forgive; I was kidnapped in 1991 and I didn't forgive him, I mean truly forgive him until 2007. It took me 16 years to forgive the man who kidnapped me, sexually assaulted me and tried to murder me. 

I must have said "I forgive him" about a dozen times before 2007 but the hurt was always there proving to me that I hadn't, even though I wanted to. I tried. Over and over again I would pray and ask God to help me forgive that man but over and over again I found myself bound up with all the pain of my assault that I hadn't dealt with yet. It wasn't until I started releasing that pain that I started experiencing forgiveness.

"Total forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling-at least not at first-but rather an act of the will."

I had made a choice to forgive and that's the first step. You've got to want to forgive the person who's wronged you. And maybe, like me, you'll have to forgive over and over again until you "feel" like you've forgiven. Maybe you're holding onto something that's keeping you from truly forgiving, like I was. I was holding onto my memories of my assault. I was keeping them locked up tight inside of me. But I've learned that you've got to let "it" out so you can let God in.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. It doesn't condone that person's actions against you and it's never as easy as you think it's gonna be.

Today, I'm going to take my forgiveness one step further by praying for the man who kidnapped me. This is actually something I've been doing for some time now but today I feel led to really focus on him. Maybe this sounds strange to you but I know that only through God will this man be healed. Only by experiencing Christ's love will he be free of the demons that have ruled his heart for so long. So, if you feel compelled to pray with me, I ask that you say this prayer with me now.

"Dear Jesus. I lift up my perpetrator to you. I ask that you touch his heart; surround him with your presence and love. I ask that You extend Your grace and mercy to him. Let him know that I forgive him. For every wrong he's committed against me, I forgive him. I pray that one day soon he'll come to know and love You the way I do. I give thanks in advance for everything You're doing in my life and in his life and in everyone's life that has been touched by this sin. In Jesus' name I pray...Amen"

Forgiveness

It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve

It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word...

Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set It Free'

Forgiveness
 

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness
 

It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness
 

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
 

Forgiveness

BY MATTHEW WEST

Thank you.

♥ Diana

(aka Jurney Eve)

April 28, 2012

April 28, 2012...The 21st anniversary of the day I was kidnapped, sexually assaulted and almost murdered by a stranger while riding my bicycle.

Every April for me has been a time of reflection. Usually I end up spending April 28th by myself. It's kind of become a tradition for me. I know that must sound sad but it's not...well not anymore. During the early years after my assault, I would sit around and feel sorry for myself. Sorry for everything I had lost that day. Sorry for the person I once was. Sorry for the person I would never be. Just sorry. Sorry and sad.

But in the last few years, when April rolls around, I've had new feelings. I no longer feel sorry for the person I once was. Instead I embrace the woman I've become. I'm grateful for what I have and I appreciate life so much more now.

I've told you before that every April I think about something I could do to help myself heal a little more. Usually I say, 'This year I'll ride a bicycle.' In fact, I've said that every April up until 2011. The thought of getting back on a bicycle would create such anxiety for me that I couldn't work up the courage to follow through with it. I didn't know what emotions it would trigger inside of me. But this year I didn't have to say, 'This year I'll ride a bicycle,' because that's a milestone I have already passed. Last December I bought myself a bicycle and I rode it.

 So what did I say I would do this year? This is actually the first year that I didn't make any resolutions, which I think is a milestone in itself. Nope, I didn't make any because it wasn't necessary. Every year I made those resolutions because there was a part of me that I felt was missing but not this year.

This April 28th was very different from the last 20 April 28ths. I didn't make any resolutions and I didn't spend it alone.

This April 28 was the Victim Service Center of Central Florida's 1st annual Ride to Reach event, which was inspired by my story.

I spent April 28, 2012 with 200 or so people bringing awareness to sexual violence. I spent it on a stage where I spoke to the crowd. I spent it with some of my family and friends. I spent it decorating a t-shirt for The Clothesline Project. I spent it riding my bicycle for 17 miles...in the bike lane! And, what I consider the biggest milestone of all, I spent it with Renee and Tara, the ex-wife and the daughter of the man who kidnapped me!

That may sound strange to you and if it does I only have one thing to say...BUY MY BOOK! IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!

Meeting Renee and Tara was amazing! We had been communicating with each other for a little more than a year but we had never officially met. I was only a little nervous about meeting them. Mostly I was just excited. I knew from our past communications that I would feel completely at ease with them. I won't lie. There were tears, but they were tears of joy. As Tara puts it, "It was a big cry fest!"

So how do I top this years' April 28th? It was such a phenomenal day for me. I'm still having a hard time thinking that it was real - Just kidding! Of course I know it was real. That would make me crazy! - What I'm trying to say is...I cannot believe all of the milestones I've overcome this April 28th.

I am so grateful to everyone who made this day possible. All of the people who came out to support me. All of the businesses who sponsored the event and who set up booths. Everyone who bought my book, Intended Harm. Renee and Tara for flying down all the way from upstate New York. Avalon Park Group for providing us with the best location I could have asked for and the Victim Service Center of Central Florida, for which I couldn't have done this without them.

But in truth, none of this would have been possible without God's help. Was it my idea to move to Florida or was it God's? Was it my idea to connect with the Victim Service Center or was it God's? Was it my idea to create a bike-a-thon based around my story or was it God's? Was it Renee and Tara's idea to fly to Florida to be a part of Ride to Reach or was it God's?

I believe it was all God's. God has His hands in all of this. I can't wait to see where He takes me next.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and 

not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." - Jeremiah 29:11-14

♥ Jurney 

Would I Be Different?

 

 

Would I be different if you listened?

Try to be born again and be a Christian?

Would I be different if you understood the word "No"?

Or did you take joy in making me feel low?

Would I be different if I actually had the chance to grow?

Or did you assume I was fine and just didn't know?
 

 

Did you hear me when I screamed?

Hushing me up and telling me it was all a dream?

Would I be different if I spoke up?

Then you would get mad if everyone woke up.

Would I be different if my words didn't choke up?

Looking in your eyes and I felt my heart get broken up.

 

 

Would I smile the same way?

Would I praise God every Sunday?

Would I be different in the aspect of valuing life,

Or would I continue to attempt suicide more then twice?

Would I be different if I was a boy,

Or was my innocence meant to be destroyed?

 

 

Poem by:

 Phelicia Amigo-Three Durand

 

 

 

True Colors

Today I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart.

Somebody I love with my absolute whole heart is in pain and I feel powerless to help her.

How can someone who is amazingly gifted, beautiful, smart, inspiring, loving...How can they not see themselves the way everyone else does?

Here I go, being all hypocritical, when in fact, it wasn't that long ago that I struggled with my own self-esteem. I think everybody struggles with that from time to time. When it was me, I remember just how awful I felt about myself. I also remember all of the things I did to try and boost my self-esteem. I guess that's why I am so sad right now. I don't want her to do what I did. I don't want her to inadvertently hurt herself on her quest for perfection.

Everything within me wants to wrap her in my arms and tell her how much I love her and just how important she is to me...and to so many other people. I want to tell her, fail or succeed it doesn't matter. She can make a million mistakes...it doesn't matter. She is perfectly imperfect...just like everyone else.

People beat themselves up on a daily basis trying to be perfect...trying to look perfect...trying to act perfect. But how boring would this world be if everyone was the same? We would have no music...no lyrics...no artists...no actors...no athletes...no books...(*gasp*)

Think about your favorite musician. Now think about what would have become of them if they allowed their uniqueness to be stifled in the hopes of being and looking and acting like everyone else. 

Embrace your uniqueness. Embrace your beautiful self. Because you ARE beautiful!

All of those things that make you different are the things that people treasure most about you.

"For You created my inmost being: 

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

Psalm 139:13-14

♥ Jurney Eve

I Don't Want To Gain The Whole World And Lose My Soul

I feel that God has been throwing a message at me over the past few months or so. Whether it's through the words of others; the books I've read; lyrics of the songs I've heard; emails or even through Facebook status updates. I feel that God has been trying to remind me that He is not done working in my life. I am not finished growing. My journey is not over. And while I already knew this, I have to admit that I have become a little too comfortable in my relationship with God. A few years ago, when I was writing my book, I was constantly seeking God's healing and guidance. I REALLY needed it because I was in such a bad emotional state.

But I had made such an incredible breakthrough after writing my book. To me, nothing short of a miracle had happened during that time in my life. All of the healing and growing that took place within me was nothing short of a miracle.

A miracle that I was even talking about how I was kidnapped and raped.

A miracle that I had learned how to feel whole again after sixteen years of feeling lost, worthless, broken, unlovable, unfixable, abnormal.

You get the idea.

For the last few years, I have felt so strong in my faith. I was ready to change the world one broken heart at a time. I was running the race I felt God had laid out before me. But I think that I got so caught up in trying to figure out how I could help other people that I stopped trying to figure out how to keep helping myself. And after a while, I started doubting myself. I started feeling discouraged, like I was never going to accomplish all of the things that I wanted to; all of the things that I felt God was calling me to accomplish.

But He has reminded me that I can't take care of others if I don't take care of myself. And so, I need to bring the focus back around to me. Oh, I'm not going to stop reaching out and encouraging others. I'm still going to volunteer at the Victims Service Center, volunteer as a member of RAINN's Speaker Bureau, write my second edition and still raise a little money for the occasional charity on the side, but I will remember to take time to spend with God.

We all lead busy, busy lives but we must remember to take a little time, even if it's only 5 minutes, for ourselves. Pick up your Bible and let it fall open to a random passage; or start at the beginning...I recommend the New Testament...and read a few verses every day. I've started in Ephesians. If we don't take the time to connect with Him and focus on ourselves then we will never be truly happy or be as successful as He meant for us to be.

Faith is not a constant without maintenance and always remember..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

♥ Jurney Eve

April 28, 2011

April 28...Is there anybody else out there that thinks of April 28 as significant? Is there anybody else out there that counts the days in April until the 28 is upon them?



I used to think of April 28 as a day of mourning. I would mope around all day feeling sorry for myself. I would think about all of the directions my life might have taken if only I had stayed home on April 28, 1991 instead of taken that infamous bike ride. If only I hadn't gone off on my own that day, then maybe I wouldn't have been kidnapped. If only I had listened to my gut when it tried to warn me. All of the "if only"s used to focus around me and how what happened to me could have been avoided "if only".

Well, it's been 20 years since April 28, 1991 and I have come a long way since then.

While today is still a day of reflection and sadness for me, it has evolved into a day of joy as well.


A day of joy because I am no longer that broken little girl who cowers in corners.


A day of joy because I have learned how to deal with my pain instead of suppress it.

A day of joy because if this never happened to me I might not have turned to God for help.


A day of joy because I have finally learned how to forgive.


Twenty years is a long time for someone to hide their pain. If you happen to be one of the millions of people in this country who are hiding their pain behind a smile, I want you to know that you are not alone! I spent half of my life hiding behind a smile and I do not recommend it.


Let's transform April 28. Instead of it being the anniversary of the day I was kidnapped, raped and almost murdered, let's make it a day of transformation, hope and forgiveness. We could think of some clever little name for it and years from now we would hear people say "Happy ___________!"


I don't know.


What I do know is that I will not mope around on April 28, 2011. I will instead chose to remember my jurney and all of the things I've learned along the way. I hope you too take this day to reflect on your life and remember to count your blessings.

Happy Jurney Eve!

♥Jurney

Crime Victims' Rights Week April 10-16th 2011

Chances and Changes

God has been opening some pretty big doors for me lately. Ever since I started on my "journey to heal"...which is what I refer to as the last four years of my life; from the time I got the idea to write about being kidnapped to the present day...I've been asking God to show me what He wants me to do with my story. Who does He want me to help? I want to help as many people as I can. I just don't know how to get started doing that.


I know I'm not going to help anyone unless I put myself out there and talk about it. The problem I'm having is I'm not sure who to approach. My story isn't for everyone. My story is about surviving and healing from a violent sexual assault, which isn't exactly geared for a mainstream audience. But one might think I could approach women's clinics or charity groups or something along those lines. But another very important aspect of my story, and I think the most important aspect, is the relationship I developed with God throughout the last 20 years of my life, which is responsible for healing me. If it wasn't for God I wouldn't be the person I am today. Therefore, I believe I must include Him when I share my story.


Do you see my dilemma?


So...back to the doors that God is opening for me...




Apparently April is Sexual Assault Awareness month and many places all around the nation are raising awareness by hosting events and I have been asked to speak at one of them. On April 14th I will share my story, my whole story, God and all, to approximately 300 people at a college in upstate NY! Is this my answer from God?  We'll see. I'm so excited yet completely terrified at the same time. I'll let you know how that goes.
 


I'm still working on the second edition of Intended Harm but I don't think my goal of having it finished by the end of spring is going to happen because of another huge, life altering change that is about to happen in my family. We are being relocated to Florida this summer with my husband's job. He actually leaves on April 6th because they need him by April 11th, but the kids and I will stay behind to finish out the school year. So I will, essentially, be a single mother to three kids for a couple of months, while working two jobs, editing my book, writing a speech and I'll also be responsible for packing everything we own. I'm very grateful but at times I feel completely overwhelmed. 


Oh no! Look at the time! I'm gonna have to wrap this up because I have to be at my daughter's school in a few minutes. It's Wednesday and on Wednesdays I volunteer in her classroom. 

Thank you God for all of the blessings in my life. 

♥Jurney 

All In God's Time

For the past 19.5 years, I have been dealing...or rather I have been suppressing and NOT dealing...with what happened to me. For the majority of those years, I have not done well. However, the past few years have been a lot better. Ever since I opened up and started writing and talking about how I was raped, I feel like a completely different person. I would have never thought that I would be where I am today. I could never have imagined myself standing in front of groups of women and telling them my story. I wouldn't even talk about it to anyone.

I think one of the most amazing things that have come out of me sharing my story is all the wonderful people I have met or reconnected with. I have helped and counseled others who are in pain and I have made new friends. I feel like God is constantly blessing my life with different people. 

Remember the letter I received a couple of weeks ago from my kidnapper's ex-wife. How amazing was that?!? We have written back and forth a few times already and we both feel blessed for having found each other. Through our correspondence, I have had the good fortune to connect with someone else. *Mr. Smith's daughter. The one who was only 2 years old when I was kidnapped. She gave me permission to share it with you.

Jurney,

Hello. (I've always wanted to say that to you).

My mom told me you wrote a book. I go to college two hours away from home, but this weekend I'm going home to read it. I almost had it overnight-ed to me here at school, but mom told me to just wait and save my money (I'm a poor college kid) :/

I don't really know what to say, I don't want to say too much too soon. I do want you to know that I think about you as much as I think about my family. I grew up knowing everything that happened and I have a few memories of my own. I almost feel as though you are a part of my family, just a relative I've never met. One of those circumstances where family is torn apart by something horrific. Knowing that there isn't a hatred towards my mom and I on your behalf has lifted a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. I feel more at ease, and I don't feel like my mom and I are alone anymore. I've seen my mom cry a lot, and I have cried a lot as well. Your always in our thoughts and prayers. I thank God everyday for making us all strong women. Thank you for reaching out to me, it means more than you know :)

With Love,
Tara 

All in God's time.

♥ Jurney Eve

So,I've Been Thinking...

As some of you may already know, I've been working on a second edition of my book, Intended Harm. I'm not planning on making any major changes or anything. I just want to redesign the inside and change the font. I also figured that while I'm at it I might as well add a few chapters about the civil confinement trial and stuff.

Then I thought...maybe I'll use my real name this time around.

When I first started this adventure in self recovery I was terrified of people finding out who I really was. I thought I could hide behind a fake name and remain anonymous forever. But the more I wrote, and the more I interacted with people, the more I felt like I was meant to share my story.

I know how crazy it must sound to most people...crazy psychopath who's about to be released from prison who has already tried to find me, and here I am making it easier by putting myself out there with a book all about how crazy he really is; and now I want to use my real name?!? I know it sounds crazy but that's not how I look at it.

I look at it like this...I have spent half of my life hiding from this man who is in a maximum security prison. For the longest time I wouldn't use the internet because I was afraid that I would do something that would leave a trace of me that would make it easier for him to find me. I wouldn't let my children join sports or other groups because I was afraid of what might happen to them while they were away from me. I never...and I mean NEVER...talked about what this man did to me because it was too painful. I kept everything bottled up inside, pretending it never happened.

But I have come to accept that I have no control over my life. Yes, I can continue to hide in my house and keep all of this to myself but what good does that do? Who does that help? Certainly not me. By sharing my story, I have finally found peace. I can finally talk about what happened to me. I finally feel healed. But it's not only that. By sharing my story, I have helped many women who have been hurt realize that it is possible to overcome their pain too.

I plan on pursuing my goal of becoming an inspirational speaker and for that I will need to use my real name.

Nothing makes me feel more foolish than when people call me Ms. Eve. Lol!

But I am also a woman of logic and logic tells me that using my real name would only make it easier for Mr. Smith to find me. It's not even me I'm worried about. I'm worried about my children...and my family. Of course, we will all have to take certain precautions when Mr. Smith is released from prison, regardless of whether or not I write under my real name or my psuedonym, so...?

I don't know. Any suggestions?


♥ Jurney Eve