Forgiveness-The Prisoner That it Really Frees is You

Forgiving someone who's done you wrong is one of the hardest things to do. I know because I've done it. 

For those of you who aren't familiar with my story, I was kidnapped by a stranger when I was 17 years old. It took me a very, very long time to forgive that man, but with God's help I finally did. 

Just to give you some perspective on how long it took me to truly forgive; I was kidnapped in 1991 and I didn't forgive him, I mean truly forgive him until 2007. It took me 16 years to forgive the man who kidnapped me, sexually assaulted me and tried to murder me. 

I must have said "I forgive him" about a dozen times before 2007 but the hurt was always there proving to me that I hadn't, even though I wanted to. I tried. Over and over again I would pray and ask God to help me forgive that man but over and over again I found myself bound up with all the pain of my assault that I hadn't dealt with yet. It wasn't until I started releasing that pain that I started experiencing forgiveness.

"Total forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling-at least not at first-but rather an act of the will."

I had made a choice to forgive and that's the first step. You've got to want to forgive the person who's wronged you. And maybe, like me, you'll have to forgive over and over again until you "feel" like you've forgiven. Maybe you're holding onto something that's keeping you from truly forgiving, like I was. I was holding onto my memories of my assault. I was keeping them locked up tight inside of me. But I've learned that you've got to let "it" out so you can let God in.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. It doesn't condone that person's actions against you and it's never as easy as you think it's gonna be.

Today, I'm going to take my forgiveness one step further by praying for the man who kidnapped me. This is actually something I've been doing for some time now but today I feel led to really focus on him. Maybe this sounds strange to you but I know that only through God will this man be healed. Only by experiencing Christ's love will he be free of the demons that have ruled his heart for so long. So, if you feel compelled to pray with me, I ask that you say this prayer with me now.

"Dear Jesus. I lift up my perpetrator to you. I ask that you touch his heart; surround him with your presence and love. I ask that You extend Your grace and mercy to him. Let him know that I forgive him. For every wrong he's committed against me, I forgive him. I pray that one day soon he'll come to know and love You the way I do. I give thanks in advance for everything You're doing in my life and in his life and in everyone's life that has been touched by this sin. In Jesus' name I pray...Amen"

Forgiveness

It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve

It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word...

Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set It Free'

Forgiveness
 

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness
 

It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness
 

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
 

Forgiveness

BY MATTHEW WEST

Thank you.

♥ Diana

(aka Jurney Eve)

April 28, 2012

April 28, 2012...The 21st anniversary of the day I was kidnapped, sexually assaulted and almost murdered by a stranger while riding my bicycle.

Every April for me has been a time of reflection. Usually I end up spending April 28th by myself. It's kind of become a tradition for me. I know that must sound sad but it's not...well not anymore. During the early years after my assault, I would sit around and feel sorry for myself. Sorry for everything I had lost that day. Sorry for the person I once was. Sorry for the person I would never be. Just sorry. Sorry and sad.

But in the last few years, when April rolls around, I've had new feelings. I no longer feel sorry for the person I once was. Instead I embrace the woman I've become. I'm grateful for what I have and I appreciate life so much more now.

I've told you before that every April I think about something I could do to help myself heal a little more. Usually I say, 'This year I'll ride a bicycle.' In fact, I've said that every April up until 2011. The thought of getting back on a bicycle would create such anxiety for me that I couldn't work up the courage to follow through with it. I didn't know what emotions it would trigger inside of me. But this year I didn't have to say, 'This year I'll ride a bicycle,' because that's a milestone I have already passed. Last December I bought myself a bicycle and I rode it.

 So what did I say I would do this year? This is actually the first year that I didn't make any resolutions, which I think is a milestone in itself. Nope, I didn't make any because it wasn't necessary. Every year I made those resolutions because there was a part of me that I felt was missing but not this year.

This April 28th was very different from the last 20 April 28ths. I didn't make any resolutions and I didn't spend it alone.

This April 28 was the Victim Service Center of Central Florida's 1st annual Ride to Reach event, which was inspired by my story.

I spent April 28, 2012 with 200 or so people bringing awareness to sexual violence. I spent it on a stage where I spoke to the crowd. I spent it with some of my family and friends. I spent it decorating a t-shirt for The Clothesline Project. I spent it riding my bicycle for 17 miles...in the bike lane! And, what I consider the biggest milestone of all, I spent it with Renee and Tara, the ex-wife and the daughter of the man who kidnapped me!

That may sound strange to you and if it does I only have one thing to say...BUY MY BOOK! IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!

Meeting Renee and Tara was amazing! We had been communicating with each other for a little more than a year but we had never officially met. I was only a little nervous about meeting them. Mostly I was just excited. I knew from our past communications that I would feel completely at ease with them. I won't lie. There were tears, but they were tears of joy. As Tara puts it, "It was a big cry fest!"

So how do I top this years' April 28th? It was such a phenomenal day for me. I'm still having a hard time thinking that it was real - Just kidding! Of course I know it was real. That would make me crazy! - What I'm trying to say is...I cannot believe all of the milestones I've overcome this April 28th.

I am so grateful to everyone who made this day possible. All of the people who came out to support me. All of the businesses who sponsored the event and who set up booths. Everyone who bought my book, Intended Harm. Renee and Tara for flying down all the way from upstate New York. Avalon Park Group for providing us with the best location I could have asked for and the Victim Service Center of Central Florida, for which I couldn't have done this without them.

But in truth, none of this would have been possible without God's help. Was it my idea to move to Florida or was it God's? Was it my idea to connect with the Victim Service Center or was it God's? Was it my idea to create a bike-a-thon based around my story or was it God's? Was it Renee and Tara's idea to fly to Florida to be a part of Ride to Reach or was it God's?

I believe it was all God's. God has His hands in all of this. I can't wait to see where He takes me next.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and 

not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." - Jeremiah 29:11-14

♥ Jurney 

Be Still And Know That I Am Lord

It's so easy to get sidetracked in this world.

While we're trying to meet deadlines and get to the next meeting and we have a to-do list as long as our arm. When it feels like we're being pulled in fifty different directions and we can't remember the last time we had a little free time. Those are the times I need to remind myself that the only deadline I need to meet is God's and the only meeting I need to get to is His.

I'm having one of those days. Hey, I'm having one of those months. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions right now that I am inevitably going to let someone down. It's during these times that I like to shut myself up in a quiet room and say to myself, "Be still and know that I am Lord."

I may not see what God sees or know where He's taking my life but I have complete faith in Him and I trust the path He has for me.

Do you?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all you ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

"You lead, I'll follow, Your hands hold my tomorrow,
Your grip, Your grace, You know the way...
...Cause I know what you got for me is more than I can see,
So lead me on, on, on and on"

-Jamie Grace

♥ Jurney Eve

I Don't Want To Gain The Whole World And Lose My Soul

I feel that God has been throwing a message at me over the past few months or so. Whether it's through the words of others; the books I've read; lyrics of the songs I've heard; emails or even through Facebook status updates. I feel that God has been trying to remind me that He is not done working in my life. I am not finished growing. My journey is not over. And while I already knew this, I have to admit that I have become a little too comfortable in my relationship with God. A few years ago, when I was writing my book, I was constantly seeking God's healing and guidance. I REALLY needed it because I was in such a bad emotional state.

But I had made such an incredible breakthrough after writing my book. To me, nothing short of a miracle had happened during that time in my life. All of the healing and growing that took place within me was nothing short of a miracle.

A miracle that I was even talking about how I was kidnapped and raped.

A miracle that I had learned how to feel whole again after sixteen years of feeling lost, worthless, broken, unlovable, unfixable, abnormal.

You get the idea.

For the last few years, I have felt so strong in my faith. I was ready to change the world one broken heart at a time. I was running the race I felt God had laid out before me. But I think that I got so caught up in trying to figure out how I could help other people that I stopped trying to figure out how to keep helping myself. And after a while, I started doubting myself. I started feeling discouraged, like I was never going to accomplish all of the things that I wanted to; all of the things that I felt God was calling me to accomplish.

But He has reminded me that I can't take care of others if I don't take care of myself. And so, I need to bring the focus back around to me. Oh, I'm not going to stop reaching out and encouraging others. I'm still going to volunteer at the Victims Service Center, volunteer as a member of RAINN's Speaker Bureau, write my second edition and still raise a little money for the occasional charity on the side, but I will remember to take time to spend with God.

We all lead busy, busy lives but we must remember to take a little time, even if it's only 5 minutes, for ourselves. Pick up your Bible and let it fall open to a random passage; or start at the beginning...I recommend the New Testament...and read a few verses every day. I've started in Ephesians. If we don't take the time to connect with Him and focus on ourselves then we will never be truly happy or be as successful as He meant for us to be.

Faith is not a constant without maintenance and always remember..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

♥ Jurney Eve

What Are You Waiting For...

If you are not already a fan of Britt Nicole then you need to check her out. You will love her. Her music is so uplifting and encouraging. Every time I listen to one of her songs I am inspired to become a better person. This one song in particular inspires me to step out and try harder to be the person that God has planned for me to be. Maybe it will inspire you in the same way.

"So what are you waiting for? 

What do you have to lose?

Your insecurities try to alter you.

You know you're made for more

So don't be afraid to move

Your faith is all it takes and you can

Walk on the water too."

♥ Jurney Eve

My Tribute to Tori

Today I would like to pay tribute to Tori Amos. For those of you who aren't familiar with Tori, allow me to introduce her.

There she is.

Tori holds a place very close to my heart because she was the first person who I ever heard tell their story about being raped. I heard it for the first time in 1993, two years after I was raped. She's a musician so she told her story through a song she wrote called, Me and a Gun.


I would listen to that song over and over again. Finally there was someone who understood my pain. And even though I wasn't ready to speak out about what happened to me then, Tori's lyrics gave me a sliver of strength every time I heard them.

In Tori's own words, she says...

"I'll never talk about it at this level again but let me ask you. Why have I survived that kind of night, when other women didn't", she says. "How am I alive to tell you this tale when he was ready to slice me up? In the song I say it was 'Me and a Gun' but it wasn't a gun. It was a knife he had. And the idea was to take me to his friends and cut me up, and he kept telling me that, for hours. And if he hadn't needed more drugs I would have been just one more news report, where you see the parents grieving for their daughter". "And I was singing hymns, as I say in the song, because he told me to. I sang to stay alive. Yet I survived that torture, which left me urinating all over myself and left me paralyzed for years. That's what that night was all about, mutilation, more than violation through sex". "I really do feel as though I was psychologically mutilated that night and that now I'm trying to put the pieces back together again. Through love, not hatred. And through my music. My strength has been to open again, to life, and my victory is the fact that, despite it all, I kept alive my vulnerability".

Tori also opened my eyes to lyrics. I had never really paid a lot of attention to lyrics before her. Her passion is what gave me one of my first dreams of grandeur. Lol! I was going to be a singer.

Well, that didn't pan out too well but I am still inspired by her passion and her courage. And so I would like to pay tribute to her.

I apologize for my webcam settings. The audio and video are totally out of sync but I find that if you just close your eyes then you don't even notice. Ha ha ha!

Tori told her story through her music. I told my story through my book. How will you tell your story? There's no right or wrong way. Just tell it. There is power in your voice!

April 28, 2011

April 28...Is there anybody else out there that thinks of April 28 as significant? Is there anybody else out there that counts the days in April until the 28 is upon them?



I used to think of April 28 as a day of mourning. I would mope around all day feeling sorry for myself. I would think about all of the directions my life might have taken if only I had stayed home on April 28, 1991 instead of taken that infamous bike ride. If only I hadn't gone off on my own that day, then maybe I wouldn't have been kidnapped. If only I had listened to my gut when it tried to warn me. All of the "if only"s used to focus around me and how what happened to me could have been avoided "if only".

Well, it's been 20 years since April 28, 1991 and I have come a long way since then.

While today is still a day of reflection and sadness for me, it has evolved into a day of joy as well.


A day of joy because I am no longer that broken little girl who cowers in corners.


A day of joy because I have learned how to deal with my pain instead of suppress it.

A day of joy because if this never happened to me I might not have turned to God for help.


A day of joy because I have finally learned how to forgive.


Twenty years is a long time for someone to hide their pain. If you happen to be one of the millions of people in this country who are hiding their pain behind a smile, I want you to know that you are not alone! I spent half of my life hiding behind a smile and I do not recommend it.


Let's transform April 28. Instead of it being the anniversary of the day I was kidnapped, raped and almost murdered, let's make it a day of transformation, hope and forgiveness. We could think of some clever little name for it and years from now we would hear people say "Happy ___________!"


I don't know.


What I do know is that I will not mope around on April 28, 2011. I will instead chose to remember my jurney and all of the things I've learned along the way. I hope you too take this day to reflect on your life and remember to count your blessings.

Happy Jurney Eve!

♥Jurney

Frivolous Facebooking

Today I would like to express how grateful I am that Facebook wasn't around when I was a teenager? 

I couldn't even imagine the statuses and comments I would have left, not to mention the pictures I would have posted. 

Words and images forever immortalized and always retrievable on the internet. 

Remember that!

Now, I'm not saying that all teenagers post things that they will regret later in life.  I know a lot of great kids that are very responsible with the internet. Also, for me to imply that it is only teenagers that are irresponsible, would be wrong. I'm just saying that I have a strong hunch that I personally would have been irresponsible.

Everyday I log onto Facebook, there's always one or two people on my friends list who remind me of this. Whether it's through their status updates, their arguments that they post publicly for everyone to see, the thousands of quizzes they take that end up revealing so much personal information that it seems like the quizzes were written by actual identity thieves, or their pictures they post...It is all a small glimpse into what my Facebook page would have looked like if it was around back in the day.

Now I'm sorry if you think I'm coming across as pompous, arrogant, a little condescending, a little cheeky. I'm not writing this to be disrespectful to anyone or to make them feel stupid. Chances are, if you're one of the people who are reading my blog that centers around my faith, then you're probably not one of those people who Facebook frivolously anyway, but just in case you are...I apologize to you. If it makes you feel better, I just spent the last hour skimming through my Facebook page, all the way back to 2007, which was quite humorous by the way and I totally recommend it if you have time. But I came across quite a bit of one or two things that I regrettably posted in the past. I know I'm not perfect. 

The point of today's blog isn't to condemn anyone. It is to simply rejoice in the fact that when I was at my weakest point in life; when I felt alone and broken; when I was "looking for love in all the wrong places"; when I was bitter and angry at the world; that I didn't have the option of posting my pain on the internet like people do today. 

Emotions are very powerful and are, at times, hard to control. I know because I have a hard time controlling my emotions. When someone cuts me off on the highway, or someone is rude to me at work, I have to constantly remind myself to take a deep breath and relax. I cannot let my emotions affect my actions. (Which is so much easier said than done.) Asking God for help when it comes to controlling my emotions is something I do everyday. But I am so much better at it than I was when I was younger.

God gave us emotions. Without them we would never experience love, friendship, happiness. But He designed us with a will that is stronger than our emotions. Imagine a world where we all allowed our emotions to control our actions. 

No thank you!

I don't think that Facebook is a bad thing. I think it's a great thing. I think it's wonderful the way it brings people together. The way we can encourage each other and stay connected even though we are all scattered across the country...and sometimes the world. And while I am grateful that Facebook didn't exist when I was a teenager, I am extremely grateful that it exists today. 

I ♥ Facebook

♥Jurney

Imperfect People: The stealing of innocence: Ophelia’s story

I just HAD to share this with you.


Imperfect People | The stealing of innocence: Ophelia’s story



♥Jurney 

Crime Victims' Rights Week April 10-16th 2011

Bradley's Blessings

So, yesterday was Sunday, and you know what that means...I received another insightful message at church that I feel compelled to share with you today. I'm going to start calling these posts of mine that are inspired by my Pastor as Bradley's Blessings.

Sunday's message was about a subject that I've talked about a lot over the years with my friends but have never spoken about publicly. I'm kind of a "tread-lightly-without-offending-anyone" type of person. I'm a firm believer in acceptance. It is not my place to judge you. As a Christian, I feel that I am a representative of Christ and because of that, I should strive to conduct myself and treat others the way Christ would have conducted himself and treated others. 

Something that I will be working on for the remainder of my life. :)

Woah! I can already hear some of you saying stuff like, "But as a Christian you're supposed to lead people to God. You're supposed to spread the news and tell everyone you see about Him. You'll never grow as a Christian if you don't fight for Him..." and I agree with these statements.

I know that God wants us to tell people about Him. He wants us to share our testimonies with people and tell them how God has worked in our lives and how He has changed us for the better. But I think some people misunderstand this and end up pushing people further away from God in the process. Telling people about Jesus isn't "a high pressure sale," nor are "we meant to be political activists." Just because I'm a Christian doesn't mean I think I'm better than you if you're not. I don't look down on you. I don't judge you. I'm not going to stand outside a soldier's funeral with picket signs, or bomb an abortion clinic, or burn Korans.

Jesus would NEVER do those things!

If you really want to reach people then you have to get to their hearts. You have to love them, and you have to mean it, even if you don't agree with the way they live or the things they do. And not in a "I love you because I have to because Jesus loves you!" kind of way. Jesus loved/s the unlovable. Jesus loved/s the people that no one else would associate with and He did it without judgement...even though He's the only one who can judge us.

There is a quote, "Your actions speak so loud, I can’t hear what you’re saying."  If what we do doesn't reflect what we say or believe then why would anyone listen to us? 

We have to learn how to practice what we preach and how to accept and welcome people who are different than us. But most of all, we need to remember that we are representatives of Christ and we need to conduct ourselves as such.

"Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit." Matthew 12:33

♥Jurney Eve

God Works in Subtle Ways

The Revolve Tour was amazing! 

I'm so thankful that I got to bring my daughter and her friends. I hope the weekend, with all of the inspiring messages and music,  meant as much to them as they meant to me. I honestly didn't expect too much this weekend for myself because the last time I volunteered for The Revolve Tour I had so many responsibilities that I didn't get an opportunity to listen to any of the speakers or musicians.

A small price to pay for my daughter and her friends. :) 

But this year, I had very few responsibilities, one of which was to sit with our girls once the show started. It was a much different experience than the last time. The gentleman in charge of the volunteers told us he wanted us to remember that this is a ministry that is trying to reach people and encourage and inspire them. And while we already knew that, of course, it was so nice to hear it coming from him. As a volunteer, I was used to just hearing the facts...learn the layout of the arena; learn where the elevators are; learn where the mens' rooms are; learn how to keep the crowd controlled...It was nice to be reminded of what and why we were really volunteering. You know?

Plus, if I hadn't been sitting with my girls I wouldn't have been ministered to. God works in subtle ways. This year, I applied for the volunteer position of "Talent Runner", which if I had gotten it would've meant that I would work behind the scenes with the speakers. I thought it would be an amazing opportunity for me to see what it's like for them to prepare to speak in front of thousands of people. It would be a great learning experience for me since I'm so new to public speaking. But I didn't get it.

Aww! Boo hoo!

But don't cry for me yet. Instead, I got to relax and really listen to what they had to say. There were two new speakers this year and I think God brought me to that seat next to my girls just so I would hear their stories .

One of the new speakers was Jamie Grace. Jamie's story is different than mine in many ways but in some ways it is similar. Jamie struggles with Tourette Syndrome. Tourettes is a neuropychiatric disorder that begins in childhood, characterized by multiple physical "tics" and at least one vocal "tic". The "tics" are sudden, repetitive, stereotyped, nonrhythmic movements and utterances. Tourette's was once considered a rare and bizarre syndrome, most often associated with the exclamation of obscene words or socially inappropriate and derogatory remarks, but this symptom is present in only a small minority of people with Tourette's. In Jamie's case, her "tics" involved her legs and arms. They were sudden, frequent, repetitive and she couldn't control them. She spent most of her life trying to be "normal". All she wanted was to fit in instead of stand out. Until one day she realized she was sick of trying to be "normal". She decided she didn't want to fit in.  Why fit in when she could stand out for God and be an inspiration to others who are also struggling with Tourettes. So she started speaking out and she became an activist and now she's on The Revolve Tour.

She tells it way better.

Not only am I inspired by her decision to accept her condition and her passion to help others, I'm encouraged by her because she started out just trusting that God wanted to use her to help others and now she's reaching thousands of people. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be in a position where I can reach thousands of people too...and maybe not. I'm just going to trust God and accept what ever He throws my way with as much grace and humility as I can. 

In the meantime, you should check out Jamie Grace. Maybe she will inspire you as much as she has inspired and encouraged me. 

http://www.jamie-grace.com/

♥Jurney Eve

You Must Be Willing To Be Ridiculed To Stand Up For What You Believe In.

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. What's it been? Two weeks? Three? 

My days are running into each other. They feel like a blur to me. At the end of each day I feel like I still have an unfinished to-do list that never seems to go away.

But I am getting things accomplished. My house is clean...and if you've been to my house within the last three weeks you would be amazed by that statement. 

Cynthia...You can actually see the floor in my laundry room!

But more importantly, I'm making significant progress on the second edition of Intended Harm. It's going to be amazing...at least I think so. I've been talking to *Renee, who is my kidnapper's ex-wife, and she has been sharing some of her personal memories with me, which I will definitely be including in my second edition. My goal is to have it finished by the end of spring.

I had a great day at church this morning. I just LOVE my church! Every Sunday, it doesn't matter what Pastor is preaching about, it feels like he's talking directly to me. Does anyone else ever feel that way at church? It feels like he knows exactly what I'm struggling with and he's there to help me. This morning, for a brief second, I was like, "Is he talking to me?" His message was about how we are all called to be missionaries for God. We don't have to go to a foreign country to do it. We can do it right here. We can do it at our jobs. We can minister to the person sitting next to us just by telling them how God has worked in our lives. He talked about how missionaries that are over seas face a lot of dangers. Not only do they struggle with different diseases and, let's face it, less than comfortable living conditions, a lot of them are thrust into countries with people that want to kill them. 

And we complain about facing rush hour traffic.

They didn't worry about being uncomfortable or sick. Well, I'm sure they worried about it but their message outweighed their fear...even their fear of being killed. And that made me think...I have been so worried and afraid of the "what-ifs". 

What if *Mr. Smith finds out I wrote this book?

What if it makes him angry?

What if he tries to find me?

What if people think I'm weird?

What if...?

What if...?

What if...?

I need to be more like those missionaries. 

Yes, I am worried about the "what-ifs". 

Yes, I'm incredibly uncomfortable putting my personal life out for display.

Yes, my heart fluctuates when I talk to a group of people about my story.

But I know that the message I have to share is far more important than my comfort. 

That doesn't necessarily make it any easier but it is very encouraging to me. For the past year I have been thinking that it shouldn't be this hard. If this message is something God wants me to share, then wouldn't it come easily to me? 

But Pastor's message this morning made me realize that when comfort is more important than serving God, you will never be successful for God. God wants to take us out of our comfort zone. When we are uncomfortable we rely on a strength that is greater than our own. 

God gave me this message that he wants me to give to you and no matter how uncomfortable it makes me I'm willing to give it. After all, what I have isn't mine anyway...it's God's.

 ♥Jurney Eve