As you may know, I run a support group at my church for women who
have been sexually abused or assaulted called Beyond the Silence. In
this group, one of the many difficult things that we do is write a
letter to our abusers. We don't give it to them. We write it for
ourselves. We write it because while naming and describing the evil done
to us does not ensure automatic personal healing, it does however
provide clarity. If it is not defined, named or described, then it
remains hidden. Telling the truth about sexual assault by acknowledging
the traumatic experience is one important aspect of healing. The only
way to move from denial, isolation, and self-protection is to look
honestly at the assault that has been committed. Healing begins when the
secret is disclosed and the shackles of silence are broken. I say this
letter is for ourselves because, while confronting your abuser may seem
like the right thing to do, it is different for each person. For some it
might be a great thing to do. They may confront their abuser, receive
an apology, and feel a sense of freedom or closure. However, for others,
confrontation may only worsen the effects of the assault. For example, I
wrote a letter to the man who kidnapped me but I didn't give it to him
because I know that he isn't remorseful. Confronting him probably won't
lead to an apology, but I don't need one from him. Would it be amazing
if he suddenly was remorseful and sincerely apologized? Yes! But I don't
need it to move on and continue my healing. That is something that
every survivor must come to realize someday in order to continue their
healing as well.
Writing this letter to your abuser is never easy. Many women find it too difficult to do. Even though they're writing it only for themselves to read, they're still reliving details from their pasts that they've desperately kept hidden for a long time. One of the women in my group wrote a letter to her abuser and she gave me permission to share it with you. I hope it touches your heart the way it did mine.
Thank you Anne for letting me share your letter. And, yes, all that's dead inside can be reborn...even if you're worn.
"But you be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work." - 2 Chronicles 15:7
WORN by Tenth Avenue North
♥ Diana
(aka Jurney Eve)
Writing this letter to your abuser is never easy. Many women find it too difficult to do. Even though they're writing it only for themselves to read, they're still reliving details from their pasts that they've desperately kept hidden for a long time. One of the women in my group wrote a letter to her abuser and she gave me permission to share it with you. I hope it touches your heart the way it did mine.
Emily,
It
has taken me 34 years to be able to deal with the pieces of broken
glass you left me with. To be able to look in the mirror and not hate
what I see; not hate how I feel; not be suspicious of everyone who tried
to hug me, to love me or be my friend. It's
sad to think that you may not remember what you did. I cannot fathom
that a predator like you would forget the pleasure you found when you
sexually assaulted my sister and I at the ages of 8 and 10. Now
that I am a mother of four I have thought back to when they were 8 and
10 and it made me sick to the core of my being that someone could look at
them in the perverse and unnatural way you looked at us. I couldn't bear
the thought of what you did to us being done to them. But
enough of that. This letter is to share some very important information
with you. If you'll understand or even care is irrelevant, but I need
to return to you what you left me with back in 1980; back in my sister's
bedroom, on the bottom bunk of their bunk beds as you muffled my cries
with your nasty hand.
I
return to you the shame, feelings of unworthiness, anger, bitterness,
sexual dysfunction, fear of the dark, fear of intimacy, and
self-loathing. These feelings have now been replaced. My spirit, my
body, and my heart now speak a language that is foreign to
you.....strength.
I
return to you the 100 billion tears I've shed; the 100 billion
sleepless nights; the 100 billion thoughts of hate towards you and
replace them with steps towards being made whole and feeling free.
I
also return to you the pain and angst that penetrated the core of my
being every day. That made me question everything and everyone; which
left me trusting no one and hating my future because I couldn't see
anything but your face smirking at me.
I return to you that ache that sat in my womb at the thought of someone doing to my kids what you did to me.
I return to you that ache that sat in my womb at the thought of someone doing to my kids what you did to me.
Now
that I've returned all these things to you, I am also going to give you
something; something that isn't for you Emily, but for
me.....forgiveness. Forgiveness because although I am working on being a better me, I
cannot do this without exorcising this hate I have for you. It's been the
cancer that has gone undetected and undiagnosed for years. It's the
cancer which almost ended my life on many occasions. But I have found
the perfect physician who offered me a cure. His name is Jesus Christ
and His cure for my disease is forgiveness. You
should make an appointment with Him and ask Him to forgive you too.
Maybe then, when your time comes, you won't rot in Hell with the other
pedophiles and sexual predators. Make no mistake, I would love to see
you squirm and suffer; to hear you scream and know that no one is coming
to your aid; to see what your life would be like after an experience
like that, but, because of you, I've been brought to a place with some
amazing survivors. With a group of women who have endured and who aren't
willing to let people like you destroy our futures. I've learned that
everyone isn't cruel; that I'm not abnormal; that I'm not meant to be a
shell taking up space.
Writing
this letter to you is me making the assumption that you're literate and
capable of recognizing and admitting what you did to me and my little
sister. But it is also my way of saying goodbye to your unwelcome
existence in my life. I'm learning to pick up my mat and walk by faith,
one step at a time.
Anne
Daughter of a King
"But you be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work." - 2 Chronicles 15:7
♥ Diana
(aka Jurney Eve)
