Letter to an Abuser

As you may know, I run a support group at my church for women who have been sexually abused or assaulted called Beyond the Silence. In this group, one of the many difficult things that we do is write a letter to our abusers. We don't give it to them. We write it for ourselves. We write it because while naming and describing the evil done to us does not ensure automatic personal healing, it does however provide clarity. If it is not defined, named or described, then it remains hidden. Telling the truth about sexual assault by acknowledging the traumatic experience is one important aspect of healing. The only way to move from denial, isolation, and self-protection is to look honestly at the assault that has been committed. Healing begins when the secret is disclosed and the shackles of silence are broken. I say this letter is for ourselves because, while confronting your abuser may seem like the right thing to do, it is different for each person. For some it might be a great thing to do. They may confront their abuser, receive an apology, and feel a sense of freedom or closure. However, for others, confrontation may only worsen the effects of the assault. For example, I wrote a letter to the man who kidnapped me but I didn't give it to him because I know that he isn't remorseful. Confronting him probably won't lead to an apology, but I don't need one from him. Would it be amazing if he suddenly was remorseful and sincerely apologized? Yes! But I don't need it to move on and continue my healing. That is something that every survivor must come to realize someday in order to continue their healing as well.


Writing this letter to your abuser is never easy. Many women find it too difficult to do. Even though they're writing it only for themselves to read, they're still reliving details from their pasts that they've desperately kept hidden for a long time. One of the women in my group wrote a letter to her abuser and she gave me permission to share it with you. I hope it touches your heart the way it did mine.

Emily,

It has taken me 34 years to be able to deal with the pieces of broken glass you left me with. To be able to look in the mirror and not hate what I see; not hate how I feel; not be suspicious of everyone who tried to hug me, to love me or be my friend. It's sad to think that you may not remember what you did. I cannot fathom that a predator like you would forget the pleasure you found when you sexually assaulted my sister and I at the ages of 8 and 10. Now that I am a mother of four I have thought back to when they were 8 and 10 and it made me sick to the core of my being that someone could look at them in the perverse and unnatural way you looked at us. I couldn't bear the thought of what you did to us being done to them. But enough of that. This letter is to share some very important information with you. If you'll understand or even care is irrelevant, but I need to return to you what you left me with back in 1980; back in my sister's bedroom, on the bottom bunk of their bunk beds as you muffled my cries with your nasty hand.  

I return to you the shame, feelings of unworthiness, anger, bitterness, sexual dysfunction, fear of the dark, fear of intimacy, and self-loathing. These feelings have now been replaced. My spirit, my body, and my heart now speak a language that is foreign to you.....strength.

I return to you the 100 billion tears I've shed; the 100 billion sleepless nights; the 100 billion thoughts of hate towards you and replace them with steps towards being made whole and feeling free.

I also return to you the pain and angst that penetrated the core of my being every day. That made me question everything and everyone; which left me trusting no one and hating my future because I couldn't see anything but your face smirking at me.

I return to you that ache that sat in my womb at the thought of someone doing to my kids what you did to me.

Now that I've returned all these things to you, I am also going to give you something; something that isn't for you Emily, but for me.....forgiveness. Forgiveness because although I am working on being a better me, I cannot do this without exorcising this hate I have for you. It's been the cancer that has gone undetected and undiagnosed for years. It's the cancer which almost ended my life on many occasions. But I have found the perfect physician who offered me a cure. His name is Jesus Christ and His cure for my disease is forgiveness. You should make an appointment with Him and ask Him to forgive you too. Maybe then, when your time comes, you won't rot in Hell with the other pedophiles and sexual predators. Make no mistake, I would love to see you squirm and suffer; to hear you scream and know that no one is coming to your aid; to see what your life would be like after an experience like that, but, because of you, I've been brought to a place with some amazing survivors. With a group of women who have endured and who aren't willing to let people like you destroy our futures. I've learned that everyone isn't cruel; that I'm not abnormal; that I'm not meant to be a shell taking up space.

Writing this letter to you is me making the assumption that you're literate and capable of recognizing and admitting what you did to me and my little sister. But it is also my way of saying goodbye to your unwelcome existence in my life. I'm learning to pick up my mat and walk by faith, one step at a time.

Anne

Daughter of a King

Thank you Anne for letting me share your letter. And, yes, all that's dead inside can be reborn...even if you're worn.

"But you be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work." - 2 Chronicles 15:7

 

WORN by Tenth Avenue North

♥ Diana
(aka Jurney Eve)

Zombie Daughter

Today I want to share something that a friend of mine shared with me recently. Not too long ago she attended a journaling and collage workshop called Art For The Heart. The workshop starts out with everyone choosing random pictures from a table. You're told to just choose whatever "speaks" to you. Don't worry about what or why, just choose. Then you take a seat and make a collage out of the pictures you've chosen and when you're all done you complete a journaling exercise based on your collage. She said she was surprised by how much each collage seemed to represent her. That making them contributed to her healing. She said it was an amazingly spiritual experience for her. Painful at times because when completing the journaling exercise some old wounds came to the surface and she was forced to deal with them, but overall it was an incredibly rewarding experience that she highly recommends.

She gave me permission to share one of her collages with you. This particular collage deals with a dark time in her life after her decision to abort her baby and the shame and regret she felt for so long because of it. I think it is truly a beautiful thing when someone allows others to see their pain. It's not an easy thing to do, especially when a Christian is opening up about abortion. There is a lot of healing power in that, not only for the person sharing it but for the ones who witness it. So I hope Kristy's art touches you as much as it has touched me.

                           (Sorry about the picture quality. I took it with my phone. I wish I had taken a 

better picture so you could see it how I did.)

Zombie Daughter

I am the Zombie Daughter. I am the one who feels nothing. I am emotionally dead. I am buried in stench and death because I took my child's opportunity for life! I am the one who goes through life in a zombie-like state covering over who I really am, hoping someone will hear me scream behind my veil.

The Zombie Daughter was with me for 19 years-imprisoned by shame, self-hatred, guilt and unforgiveness. She thinks she deserves to be surrounded by the stench of death. The dark, bloody cloud is always hovering over her, keeping her down. She tries to creep up with her attitude of unforgiveness at times but has in every other way and for this particular sin...she has been saved.

At the time, during those years, I was her judge, jury, and convictor. She didn't deserve life, joy, forgiveness, love and absolutely, without question, did not deserve the love of God. He would think she was despicable in His holy presence! 

In no way does she reveal God's dignity!

Oh Lord, this was my scarlet letter. My choice. My abortion buried me; buried my soul in a pit of death's stench! I am so forgiving of others but was last to forgive myself...as if to say what Jesus did on the cross wasn't big enough to cover my sin. How could I say that?!? How arrogant! It absolutely was and I am forever grateful to Him for forgiving me.

"You know I was with you-even then. 

I have shown you how I loved you even 

as this choice was being made!! 

You chose to shut me out. I tried to woo you even then! 

She was always my daughter. I cried with her! 

I know of every tear that was shed behind that veil.

Each one was and is precious to me. 

I removed the stench of death. 

I breathed in forgiveness, life, love, joy 

and I see nothing but beauty my daughter!"

I love you Father!

The View From My Pew

Sorry I've been so quiet lately. Things have been a little chaotic here. 

It has been one and a half months since I moved to Florida and it has taken a lot of adjusting...for all of us. One of those adjustments has been finding a new church. 

Finding a new church isn't as easy as going to the church down the street or even finding the closest church that is the same denomination as your old church. When I search for a new church I don't limit my search to a certain denomination. True, I always start with a certain denomination but to choose a church for my family depends on way more than that. 

First, they have to offer a service that is later than 9:30 am. That might sound like a stupid criteria to most but let's face it. I have three children that I have to motivate, feed and help get ready in the morning. Not to mention, I have to get myself ready and for those that don't know me...I am NOT a morning person. So the later the service starts, the better.

Then, they must have a service for my two younger children during the Sunday service. If my kids have to sit with me then I never get to listen to the message and be ministered to. Plus, I think that they learn more when the service is specifically geared towards them. You know, age appropriate?

A mid-week youth group for my kids is a must have as well. Especially one for my oldest child. I think it is extremely important for my high-schooler to meet other Christian kids her age. She's surrounded by a very high percentage of non-Christian teenagers throughout the school year. It's crucial that she has friends that have the same values as her. I know all too well how easy it is to be influenced by the people around you and your surroundings. If I can make my children's lives a little easier for them to make right choices by getting them involved in church youth groups, then I'm going to do it. 

Another criteria in the search for a church is they must have a contemporary praise and worship style. 

Hymns aren't for me. 

Praise and worship is very important to me because I love music. Contemporary Christian music moves me. It inspires me. Plus...it keeps me awake after those busy mornings when I didn't get enough caffeine before the service.

But the most important criteria for finding a new church is...it needs to feel right. When I attend a service at the church I eventually choose, I just know it. You know?

When I moved to CT, I searched for months before I found the right one. During those months I went to many different churches, but none of them felt right. None of them gave me that warm, fuzzy feeling inside. When I finally found my new church in CT, I knew it was the one. 

It's hard to explain.

Which brings me back to my search for a new church in Florida. Since we've been here, we've attended a few different churches. The first one met all of our criteria but one. 

It just didn't feel right. 

It was by far, the largest church we have ever been to. The size was pretty intimidating at first. I thought that maybe it didn't feel right to me because I was uncomfortable with the size. But after giving it an adequate amount of time, I decided that this wasn't the one for us. It seems like a great church. It has so much to offer. There were so many people that you could tell genuinely loved the Lord. The church has a very large youth group. I really wanted to like this one but it just didn't feel right.

There were a few other churches after that, and while they all were wonderful, none of them felt right. Until today...I believe I have found our new church. It meets all of our criteria. 

The service starts at 10:45. (Yay for sleeping in.)

It has a children's service...and my kids loved it.

It has a youth group for my oldest child...although we haven't checked it out yet. Hopefully she'll like it.  

(fingers crossed)

The music program is very contemporary. Probably the most contemporary praise and worship I have ever heard at church. They opened with a Barlow Girl song. Never Alone. It was awesome!

I also discovered that this church has small groups that meet throughout the week. That's not unusual though. Most churches have small groups that meet throughout the week.The groups are based on common interests, such as...a women's Bible study group...a mens' group...a group for 20 somethings...a group for singles...a group for married couples...things like that. I don't usually join any of the small groups because no one ever seems to have a group that fits my life. I could join the women's Bible study group but at my last church it met on Saturdays at, like, 8am or something and we've already established that I'm not a morning person. I could join the married couples group but I'm pretty sure I would need to bring my husband with me and he can't commit to a weekly group. He works way too much...plus, I haven't been able to get him to go to a Sunday service with me since we lived in Vermont and his mommy made him go. So that group is out of the question. 

No one ever has a group for 30- something working mothers who's husbands don't support their desire to go to church more than once a week...and so I've never joined one.

Well, this church doesn't have a group like that either but it has all of those other groups and then some. This church has a group for women who are searching for recovery and healing after sexual abuse. Now I'm sure this isn't the only church in the world that has a group focused on helping people recover from sexual abuse, but it's the first one I've ever seen...and I've researched a lot of different churches in many different states. 

I move a lot.

So, not only does this church feel right, it offers a ministry that is geared specifically toward the very thing that I have dedicated the last four years of my life to...helping people recover after sexual abuse. I will definitely check this group out. Me finding this church seems to have God's hand written all over it. 

I trust God to lead me in the right direction. I won't pretend to have all the answers. I know that I don't. I am still learning, healing and growing myself. I still don't know exactly what God's plan for my life is but I know I'm moving in the right direction. How do I know that? It just feels right.

♥ Jurney Eve

The Daily ReTORt: Montage of Funny Church Signs

Click Here: "Here's a video collection of dozens of different and funny signs posted outside of churches. The music bed is a song called 'This Life was Meant to Shine" by Mercy Me.

The journey: The Royal Rule

 This was written by my friend Lori and I loved it so much that I wanted to share it with you. What a great message. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

The journey: The Royal Rule:


♥ Jurney Eve

What Are You Waiting For...

If you are not already a fan of Britt Nicole then you need to check her out. You will love her. Her music is so uplifting and encouraging. Every time I listen to one of her songs I am inspired to become a better person. This one song in particular inspires me to step out and try harder to be the person that God has planned for me to be. Maybe it will inspire you in the same way.

"So what are you waiting for? 

What do you have to lose?

Your insecurities try to alter you.

You know you're made for more

So don't be afraid to move

Your faith is all it takes and you can

Walk on the water too."

♥ Jurney Eve

Life

These last two weeks have been quite eventful for me. 

My husband left for Florida to start a new job, leaving me and the kids behind to finish out the school year on the complete polar opposite side of these United States. But before you all go...

"What?!? How could he do that?!?"

  

...and everything, let me tell you it wasn't his idea for us to stay behind. He wanted us to come with him but the kids and I, didn't think it was a very good idea to start a new school district towards the end of the year. 

Speaking of my kids and starting a new school district next year...my fifteen year old is NOT dealing with the move very well. I feel bad for her because even though I'm an old lady, I still remember what it felt like to be fifteen and to think that your friends were your whole world.

Shout out to my BFF Leigh who moved away when we were fifteen. 

I remember thinking that my life was over and I feared I would never see her again but that was, like, 

23 years ago and we are still going strong. We talk almost everyday...except these last two weeks because things have been so crazy. 

So, if you want to say a little prayer for my daughter I would appreciate it. 

But these last two weeks haven't been all bad. 

Last week was National Crime Victims' Rights Week, where the nation remembers all the crime victims of the past and present. This year, the focus was on the many different victims' support groups that have developed over the last 30 years and I had the privilege to share my personal story of healing at a college in upstate New York.

It was such an amazing experience. 

It was my first time speaking outside of a Christian environment. All of my other speaking engagements were for women's church groups so I was worried that the criminal justice students would think I was a "Jesus Freak" or something and dismiss me...ha ha ha...but they didn't. In fact, everything went really well. Not only do I feel like I reached a lot of people with my story, but I feel like I gained a lot of insight into how I can help more people. I'm so grateful to have gotten that opportunity. I look forward to creating new bonds with all of the wonderful people I met there.

I'd like to give another shout out to Becky, John, Paul, Ree, Veronica and Joyce. 

Thank you for your kind words and your support. 

Each one of you were an inspiration to me and I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart...Joyce-Keep me updated please. I really do care. :) 

Other than that tid-bit of good news, I learned that our offer on a house in Florida has been accepted and we are scheduled to close on it by May 19. 


This relieves a lot of stress in my life. I hated the "not knowing" phase of relocating. Were we going to find a house or were we going to be crammed into another tiny apartment again? It was very stressful.

 But, right now, I'm fighting the "Sand Man" so I better get going. I'll try to keep you updated more often. I'm sorry.

♥ Jurney Eve