The Hardest Part of Parenting

You know? Before I became a mother, I always assumed that the baby stage would be the hardest stage of parenting for me. Mostly because I had no experience with babies. They intimidated me. They're so vulnerable. I was afraid I was going to break them. How would I get a shirt over their heads without snapping their necks?

As a matter of fact, my firstborn only wore items of clothing that didn't require over the head application until she seemed "sturdy" enough.

Other than their vulnerability, how was I supposed to know what they wanted? Everyone told me I would be able to tell the difference between a "hungry" cry and a "tired" cry but to me they all sounded the same. What if I couldn't tell the difference between a "hurt" cry and a "tired" cry and something bad happened?

I remember when I was pregnant with my firstborn, I called my best friend and cried about how scared I was of becoming a mother. I was so afraid I would do something wrong or I wouldn't be good enough. 

The day my oldest child started talking and could effectively tell me exactly why she was crying was one of the happiest days of my life. It alleviated so much stress for me. Now I didn't have to worry whether she was hurt or hungry because she could simply tell me. Things were "easy" for a few years after that and then came... 

Kindergarten.

Oh man! The day I had to "cut the cord" and release my baby girl into the hands of strangers was so hard! Letting her go and trusting others to love and protect her the way I had been doing for the last 4.5 years was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I remember literally feeling sick to my stomach with worry. And for that moment in time I thought, "This is the hardest part of parenting." But over time it got easier and I learned to love that stage. I loved watching her learn and make new friends. And the older she got, the more she developed into her own person. She's 16 now and I've had the privilege of watching her become an amazing young woman who has a heart for everyone. Who wants to right all of the world's wrongs and I am so proud of her. But, once again I find myself saying, "This is the hardest part of parenting." Right now, she's learning how to "cut the cord," so to speak, and I'm not ready. She's seeking more freedom and wanting new boundaries and I want to give those things to her but I'm having a hard time letting go. I'm trying. I really am but...

She can drive a car now for goodness sake!

It feels like she doesn't need me anymore but I have so much more to teach her. We have so much more to teach each other. 

I love you, baby! Please don't forget that no matter how old you get you will always fit in my arms and we will always need each other.

"Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile
And as i watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

 Knowing clouds will rage and
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you"

-Plumb

 

♥ Jurney Eve

Happy Mother's Day

In honor of Mother's Day, I wanted to share a story with you. It's one of those stories that is so rewarding that it makes you want to cry...at least it made me cry.

But then again, I cried while watching Justin Bieber's Never Say Never movie so who knows. 

It isn't anything too amazing. It's just one of those stories that makes you feel like all the things you teach your children really does make a difference. A story that makes you realize that they are listening to you after all.

Anyway...As most of you know, I have three children. For their entire existence I have taken them to church, taught them Bible stories, prayed with them, and tried my best to lead them to the Lord. Some are more receptive than others and others...well, they prefer video games. As a mother, I constantly worry whether or not my kids are really hearing me; do they pay attention in Sunday School; why don't they want to read the Bible the way they want to read the latest book series; am I being the best role model I can be for them? I'm sure most mother's can relate. Well, something happened earlier this week that made me see that even my video game lover is in fact listening to me.

My husband and I decided to do something crazy and go out to dinner...just the two of us. We left our 16 year old in charge with all of the instructions of what to do and what not to do and who to call and who not to call. It wasn't her first time babysitting. She's done it before and we were confident that everyone was in good hands with her. It got to be around dinner time so she was preparing a delicious meal of frozen Salisbury steaks and mashed potatoes when she accidentally spilled hot gravy on her arm. In the heat of the moment she calls me. Now, I don't know if you've ever received one of these phone calls but let me tell you, they're not for the faint of heart.

I'm sitting at dinner when my phone rings. I see that it's my 16 year old daughter but I don't panic. She calls me all the time when she's babysitting, but this time when I answer the phone I hear incoherent, high pitched weeping. I can't understand what she's saying because the restaurant is loud and she's upsets. Worse case scenarios start playing in my head and for one brief second I think about abandoning my husband at the table without a word and racing for home as fast as I can. Instead, I regain my composure and start calming my daughter down and giving her instructions. After a few minutes, everyone calms down. She's got ice on her arm and all is good again in the world. My husband and I come home shortly afterwards to see our 16 year old on the couch, still icing her arm.

Now here's the good part of the story. My 16 year old told me that after she got off the phone with me and all the chaos had died down, my video game loving 11 year old son took my 7 year old daughter by the hand, walked over to my injured daughter and said, "Do you want us to pray for you?"

I KNOW!!! 

I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about it! What a great feeling it was to hear that. It made me see that just because he seems to only care about video games right now there is still hope. Someone should invent some exciting Biblical video games.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." 

Proverbs 22:6

♥ Diana
(aka Jurney Eve)

True Colors

Today I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart.

Somebody I love with my absolute whole heart is in pain and I feel powerless to help her.

How can someone who is amazingly gifted, beautiful, smart, inspiring, loving...How can they not see themselves the way everyone else does?

Here I go, being all hypocritical, when in fact, it wasn't that long ago that I struggled with my own self-esteem. I think everybody struggles with that from time to time. When it was me, I remember just how awful I felt about myself. I also remember all of the things I did to try and boost my self-esteem. I guess that's why I am so sad right now. I don't want her to do what I did. I don't want her to inadvertently hurt herself on her quest for perfection.

Everything within me wants to wrap her in my arms and tell her how much I love her and just how important she is to me...and to so many other people. I want to tell her, fail or succeed it doesn't matter. She can make a million mistakes...it doesn't matter. She is perfectly imperfect...just like everyone else.

People beat themselves up on a daily basis trying to be perfect...trying to look perfect...trying to act perfect. But how boring would this world be if everyone was the same? We would have no music...no lyrics...no artists...no actors...no athletes...no books...(*gasp*)

Think about your favorite musician. Now think about what would have become of them if they allowed their uniqueness to be stifled in the hopes of being and looking and acting like everyone else. 

Embrace your uniqueness. Embrace your beautiful self. Because you ARE beautiful!

All of those things that make you different are the things that people treasure most about you.

"For You created my inmost being: 

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

Psalm 139:13-14

♥ Jurney Eve

Under Wraps

There have been no new "flashing" incidents from my kindergartener since last Tuesday.

So, hopefully that was just a phase. 

A phase that she will never repeat again.

(Fingers crossed!)

♥ Jurney

The Unrelatable Trials of Motherhood

I am having...what I consider...a serious problem and I don't know how to fix it.

I am the mother of three children, ages 15, 10 and 6. Therefore, some of you may look to me for advice thinking that, maybe what you're going through with your children, I have gone through with my children. I've always been able to relate to the trials of other mothers...until now.

Tuesday, my ten-year-old son gets off the bus and tells me that my wonderful daughter, who's in kindergarten, flashed some second grade boys, mardi gras style, on the bus ride home. My immediate thoughts were, "I'm sure this is a misunderstanding. She was wearing a kind of baggy shirt. Maybe it hung a little low and the boys saw down her shirt. My baby girl would NEVER show her boobies. Surely, I've taught her better." 

So, I sit her down and I ask her, "Did you show some boys on the bus your boobies?"

And she says, "Am I not supposed to?"

After the initial shock of what she just said wore off, I proceeded to lecture her all about private parts and the reasons why we keep them private. I must have rambled on for at least 30 minutes. I not only emphasized the importance of modesty, I told her about how much trouble she could get into by the school for what she did. At the end of the conversation, I asked her if she understood why she shouldn't show her boobies and she said she did. I was confident that I had gotten through to her and that we would never have this problem again.

However, the next day, as the children were exiting the bus, my daughter's friend approaches me. She stared at me with a sort of, "deer in the headlights" look and says, "Kd showed me her boobies on the bus today."

After graciously accepting this information, I promptly marched Kd home and had, yet another lecture about private parts and the importance of modesty, but this time there was an emphasis on just how much trouble she could get into. 

 

I admit, I tried to scare her into understanding just how much she shouldn't show people her private parts. 

I told her that if I did that the police would put me in jail. I couldn't believe she did it again. I was flabbergasted! I never had this problem with my other children. I don't understand. I asked her why she wanted to show people her boobies and she just giggled and answers with, "I don't know."

I started analyzing every second of the last six years of our lives trying to figure out where I had gone wrong. What had I done to this child that would make her want to show people her boobies?

When I thought I had said everything I had to say, I asked her, "Do you understand why you shouldn't show people your private parts?"

And she said, "Yes. I shouldn't show my boobies to anyone who's gonna tell on me."

And I was like, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! You shouldn't show your boobies to anyone!!!!!"

What was going on in my child's head? I'm pretty strict about what my kids watch on tv. I couldn't figure out why my kindergarten girl felt a desire to show people her private parts.

The next day, my son wasn't feeling well so he stayed home and my neighbor, Pam, drove Kd to school for me. Pam drives her kids to and from school every day because her oldest son is bullied on the bus and the school won't do anything to help him...but that's an entirely different blog all together. So this particular morning, Pam was driving her kids, a neighbor's kid, who is also a subject of bullying, and my daughter to school. Pam starts making small talk with her passengers. She asks one of the kids, "How's the bus ride home going for you? Are you having anymore problems with bullying?" He says, "No." 

Then Kd says, "I've been having problems."

Pam says, "Really?" What kind of problems have you been having?" 

Pam had no idea about Kd's flashing incidents because

I hadn't told her so this was a complete shock to her.

Kd says, "I've been showing my boobs."

"What?!?"

"Yeah, I've been showing my boobs. I forgot there was cameras on the bus so..."

After Pam drops the kids off at school, she calls me to tell me about this strange conversation she had with Kd and I realized that my lectures have had absolutely no effect on her what-so-ever. Kd still has no idea why she shouldn't show people her boobies and I have absolutely no idea how to get through to her.

I decided I needed to take this matter higher.

That afternoon, when she got off the bus, I asked her if she had shown anyone her boobies. She said, "no."  

Small victory.

But I wanted to ask her about the camera comment she had made to Pam that morning.  I thought it was necessary to explain to her that even if there weren't cameras on the bus, she shouldn't show people her boobies because God doesn't need cameras to see you. He sees you ALL the time. 

And she said, "Did He see me show my boobies?!?"

And I said, "Yes He did."

"Do you think He's mad?!?"

"I think He's disappointed."

"Oh no!"

Yes, I used God to make my daughter feel guilty.

I felt cornered. Helpless. I didn't know what else to do. Besides...was I wrong? I mean, He did see her and I'm sure He was disappointed. 

I don't know what's going through my six year old's brain right now, and I really hope it passes soon, but until then, I don't care what you say, if instilling the fear of God in her is what helps her understand then I'm all for it...and maybe a little therapy too...for the both of us. 

♥ Jurney Eve

Chances and Changes

God has been opening some pretty big doors for me lately. Ever since I started on my "journey to heal"...which is what I refer to as the last four years of my life; from the time I got the idea to write about being kidnapped to the present day...I've been asking God to show me what He wants me to do with my story. Who does He want me to help? I want to help as many people as I can. I just don't know how to get started doing that.


I know I'm not going to help anyone unless I put myself out there and talk about it. The problem I'm having is I'm not sure who to approach. My story isn't for everyone. My story is about surviving and healing from a violent sexual assault, which isn't exactly geared for a mainstream audience. But one might think I could approach women's clinics or charity groups or something along those lines. But another very important aspect of my story, and I think the most important aspect, is the relationship I developed with God throughout the last 20 years of my life, which is responsible for healing me. If it wasn't for God I wouldn't be the person I am today. Therefore, I believe I must include Him when I share my story.


Do you see my dilemma?


So...back to the doors that God is opening for me...




Apparently April is Sexual Assault Awareness month and many places all around the nation are raising awareness by hosting events and I have been asked to speak at one of them. On April 14th I will share my story, my whole story, God and all, to approximately 300 people at a college in upstate NY! Is this my answer from God?  We'll see. I'm so excited yet completely terrified at the same time. I'll let you know how that goes.
 


I'm still working on the second edition of Intended Harm but I don't think my goal of having it finished by the end of spring is going to happen because of another huge, life altering change that is about to happen in my family. We are being relocated to Florida this summer with my husband's job. He actually leaves on April 6th because they need him by April 11th, but the kids and I will stay behind to finish out the school year. So I will, essentially, be a single mother to three kids for a couple of months, while working two jobs, editing my book, writing a speech and I'll also be responsible for packing everything we own. I'm very grateful but at times I feel completely overwhelmed. 


Oh no! Look at the time! I'm gonna have to wrap this up because I have to be at my daughter's school in a few minutes. It's Wednesday and on Wednesdays I volunteer in her classroom. 

Thank you God for all of the blessings in my life. 

♥Jurney 

My Constant Sunshine

Today is my firstborn's 15th birthday. 

I cannot believe how fast the years have seemed to go by. She has become a beautiful, young lady...that has come to rely on her mommy less and less. The problem with that is...I WANT her to rely on me. I want her to run to me when she has a problem, or when she gets a boo-boo, or when something funny happens, or when something good happens, or when something bad happens, or...

I just want her to still think I am her whole world the way she did when she was 5. Ha ha ha!

Realistically, I know I don't want that for her. I am so proud that she has grown up to be the independent, intelligent, beautiful young lady that she is today. I wouldn't change a single hair on her head. I know it's my own insecurities that are making me feel this way. I am still learning how to let go of the tiny hand that was once her's and allow her to make her own mistakes. It's definitely harder than I ever thought it would have been and I am quite certain that it will take many more birthday's before I will find it any easier.

But we will always have our memories from when she was little and I WAS her whole world, and while she may not ask me "to sing her just one more song please", or sit in my lap and cry about how she never wants to grow up so she can stay my baby forever...we will create many more new memories together.

I love you baby and I am so proud of you.

Happy Birthday!

♥ Jurney

Conversations With Kd

Kd - I wish I could touch a rainbow.

Me - That would be really cool but honey, nobody can touch a rainbow.

Kd - Uh-huh! God can.

Me - Well, yes! I suppose God can touch a rainbow.

(Me with big smile on my face, feeling pretty good about myself for teaching her about God. It's obviously sinking in.)

Kd - If I were in Heaven I could touch a rainbow too but that'll never happen.

Me - What do you mean? You don't think you'll ever go to Heaven?

Kd - No, only God and Jesus can go to Heaven.

Me - That's not true. SOME day you'll go to Heaven and be able to touch a rainbow.

Kd - REALLY?!? When?

Me - Well....(long pause as I panic and struggle to find the right words)....A LOOOOOONG time from now...when you're REEEEEALLY old...you will eventually...die and get to go to Heaven and be with God and Jesus and touch as many rainbows as you want to.

(Unsettling silence from the back seat for a few moments, then...)

Kd - Grandma and Grandpa haven't died yet.

(She says this last line like she's in awe of this fact but I'm not sure what's going on in her head. Maybe she's sad because she knows they're old so this means they might go to Heaven soon. Then again, maybe she's happy for them because they'll get to touch rainbows soon. Who knows. A few seconds later she returned to singing Elmo's World so she must be OK. I was so worried that I'd traumatized her. Lol!)

Oh, what can of worms did this conversation open?!?

♥ Jurney Eve