My Constant Sunshine

Today is my firstborn's 15th birthday. 

I cannot believe how fast the years have seemed to go by. She has become a beautiful, young lady...that has come to rely on her mommy less and less. The problem with that is...I WANT her to rely on me. I want her to run to me when she has a problem, or when she gets a boo-boo, or when something funny happens, or when something good happens, or when something bad happens, or...

I just want her to still think I am her whole world the way she did when she was 5. Ha ha ha!

Realistically, I know I don't want that for her. I am so proud that she has grown up to be the independent, intelligent, beautiful young lady that she is today. I wouldn't change a single hair on her head. I know it's my own insecurities that are making me feel this way. I am still learning how to let go of the tiny hand that was once her's and allow her to make her own mistakes. It's definitely harder than I ever thought it would have been and I am quite certain that it will take many more birthday's before I will find it any easier.

But we will always have our memories from when she was little and I WAS her whole world, and while she may not ask me "to sing her just one more song please", or sit in my lap and cry about how she never wants to grow up so she can stay my baby forever...we will create many more new memories together.

I love you baby and I am so proud of you.
Happy Birthday!

♥ Jurney


Ignorance Is Bliss

I have another "it's a small world after all" stories for you.

Anna is one of my best friends. We've been friends for almost four years now and while I have always knew that her biological father was in prison for murder, it wasn't something that came up in conversation often. The few times we did talk about it, she told me that all she knew was that her father was in prison in a different state for murder and rape. I got the impression that the subject made her uncomfortable...and understandably so...therefore, I didn't press the issue. I knew that she wanted to know more but every time she asked a family member they wouldn't give her anymore details than that.

Now, I don't know if Anna was inspired by my recent contact with * DO remember *Tara, right? *Mr. Smith's daughter? If you don't, stop reading right now...I'm serious...and go read my blog entry titled "All In God's Time"...So, as I was saying...I don't know if Anna was inspired by my recent contact with *Tara, but she had decided to do a little research on her father and has uncovered a little more truth than she was prepared for.

It wasn't much more information than she already had but she did learn of a description of her father's victim that she did not have prior to her research excursion. Having a description of his victim, after all these years, has "humanized" her to Anna. She has told me that for the last 20+ years, she has tried not to think about what her father did. He was convicted when she was only six months old. She has never had a relationship with him of any kind and maybe that helped her keep his past discretions out of her mind, but now...all she can think about is her father's victim and the victim's family. She constantly wonders how they're doing. How have they been dealing with their loss? She feels utterly disgusted that his DNA actually runs through her veins. She wonders if his DNA affects her?

I'm really worried about Anna and I don't know how to help her. Normally, I am a pretty good advice least I think so...but I have a hard time relating to Anna's pain. I have always been on the victim's side. Until recently, I haven't given her side of the story TOO much thought.

Maybe I should introduce her to my new friend *Tara?

♥Jurney Eve


What Makes a Person a Monster?

I wonder what makes a person a monster?

I like to analyze people and try to figure out why they do the things they do. Sometimes it's easy to figure out but other times, even they don't understand why they do certain things. 

Like the boy who's afraid of commitment. He may realize he's afraid of commitment but does he know why? 

Or the promiscuous girl. Does she know why she's promiscuous?

I often wonder...does a monster know why he is a monster or is he oblivious too?

♥ Jurney Eve


All In God's Time

For the past 19.5 years, I have been dealing...or rather I have been suppressing and NOT dealing...with what happened to me. For the majority of those years, I have not done well. However, the past few years have been a lot better. Ever since I opened up and started writing and talking about how I was raped, I feel like a completely different person. I would have never thought that I would be where I am today. I could never have imagined myself standing in front of groups of women and telling them my story. I wouldn't even talk about it to anyone.

I think one of the most amazing things that have come out of me sharing my story is all the wonderful people I have met or reconnected with. I have helped and counseled others who are in pain and
I have made new friends. I feel like God is constantly blessing my life with different people. 
Remember the letter I received a couple of weeks ago from my kidnapper's ex-wife. How amazing was that?!? We have written back and forth a few times already and we both feel blessed for having found each other. Through our correspondence, I have had the good fortune to connect with someone else. *Mr. Smith's daughter. The one who was only 2 years old when I was kidnapped. She gave me permission to share it with you.


Hello. (I've always wanted to say that to you).

My mom told me you wrote a book. I go to college two hours away from home, but this weekend I'm going home to read it. I almost had it overnight-ed to me here at school, but mom told me to just wait and save my money (I'm a poor college kid) :/

I don't really know what to say, I don't want to say too much too soon. I do want you to know that I think about you as much as I think about my family. I grew up knowing everything that happened and I have a few memories of my own. I almost feel as though you are a part of my family, just a relative I've never met. One of those circumstances where family is torn apart by something horrific. Knowing that there isn't a hatred towards my mom and I on your behalf has lifted a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. I feel more at ease, and I don't feel like my mom and I are alone anymore. I've seen my mom cry a lot, and I have cried a lot as well. Your always in our thoughts and prayers. I thank God everyday for making us all strong women. Thank you for reaching out to me, it means more than you know :)

With Love,

All in God's time.
♥ Jurney Eve
What more information do you think I should include in my 2nd edition of Intended Harm?

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Jurney Eve