Learning To Friend

I have a confession to make.

I don't have many friends. 

I'm friendly with many people but when it comes to intimate interaction and genuine trust, well, that's where my walls go up.

See, for reasons that I haven't quite figured out yet, I have a really hard time building and maintaining meaningful friendships.

I mean, I have friends. 

If you take Facebook into account I have 335 friends. 

But I'm talking about the kind of friends you have actual interaction with. The ones you call to chat with and talk about each other's day. 

And the kind you...oh, who am I kidding? I don't know what friends do. I listen to people talk about what they did with their friends and what they're going to do with their friends so I guess those are the kinds of things that friends do.

I'll receive a card in the mail from a friend, which is awesome, but I would never think to do that myself. The thought would never cross my mind. A card for no reason? But why not? 

I'm also terrible at remembering my friends birthdays.

(another one of Facebook's great uses)

When life gets too busy I stop calling my friends. I will sometimes go a few weeks without talking to some of them. Maybe even longer.

I think one of the causes of my inability to friend stems from the fact that all of my life, I've felt isolated and alone even in a room full of friendly, outgoing people...even among my friends. It's hard to explain but I think it has a lot to do with me having low self-esteem amd thinking that no one likes me.

See, I would play this game, except I didn't know it was a game at the time. I would be somewhere, let's say I would go to church. I would go in and quickly sit down in the back somewhere. Somewhere I wouldn't draw too much attention to myself and I would sit quietly with my best "I-want-to-be-your-friend-love-me-love-me-love-me" smile on my face waiting for people to approach me instead of taking the first frightening step myself of approaching them. I would sit there and think that if they wanted to be my friend then they would come over and talk to me. When they didn't come over to me I believed that they must not want to be my friend. 

Now that I'm older I can see how this "game" stopped me from making friends.
The people around me were probably sitting there waiting for me to come over to them. Maybe they thought that I didn't want to be their friend because I never talked to them or if I did I only did so occasionally when I had worked up enough nerve or was too caffeinated to remain in my seat.

But let me clear something up. I don't want those few friends that I have in my life to think I don't consider them friends because I do. I love each and every one of them and I appreciate their friendship so much. I've been friends with one of them for 25 years. But most of my friends are either new friends or have only been friends with me for a few years. 

Which indicates to me that my inability to be a good friend pushes people away. 

So, if you are one of those friends that have become my friend within the last few years or so, please be patient with me. 

I appreciate you. 

I need you. 

I think you're amazing! 

I'm just not as good at expressing friendship as you might be used to and I'm sorry. 

I am slowly learning to friend.

 Jurney Eve



Pedophile's Guide To Love And Pleasure?!? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?!?

I am completely outraged!

I just found out not too long ago about a man named  Phillip R Greaves who wrote a book about how to be a better pedophile. He self-published it under the title The Pedophile's Guide To Love and Pleasure.

Can you believe this?!?

It was only available for sale through Amazon's Kindle for a few days before people...other than pedophiles...started to take notice, but the damage had already been done. It sold over 300 copies in its first day!

300 copies!

That's more than my book has sold overall and he sold that in one day!

(pathetic, I know)

That goes to show just how many sick, disgusting people  / animals / sacks-of-garbage there are out there.
I think that each and every one of those sacks-of-garbage should be hunted down and investigated because you have got to be a pedophile yourself if you bought this book.

How about all of those people with pedophile tendencies that might not have acted on them but were encouraged by this man's words?!?

I'm literally having a hard time getting this out of my mind.


Jurney Eve


One Small Victory

Today I received a phone call from my connection at the NY State Police Department about *Mr. Smith. 
I don't know if you remember but *Mr. Smith is due to be released from prison in April of 2011. 

At that time, he will be a free man. 

I mean, truly a free man.

No parole. 

No probation. 

No restraining orders.

A free man!

Some of them being not like that idea. These are the people who have been involved in his case or who have been lucky enough to come in contact with him over the last 19 years. 

They know that he is not rehabilitated.

But what can they do?!?

They made the decision to attempt to have him civilly confined. What that means is, if a prisoner exhibits a mental illness that might increase his probability to commit another dangerous crime, then he can be confined to a mental health facility even after his prison sentence has been served.

Of course,some people think this is a violation of the prisoner's constitutional rights, therefore, it is a little controversial.

*Mr. Smith has been preparing all summer for this trial. It has been postponed at least twice and canceled once as well. But today...he finally stood trial to determine whether or not he should be civilly confined and the jury said...

Y E S !





(another somersault)

(lots of screaming and a few tears of relief and joy)

One small victory!

Jurney Eve