Have you ever felt like you're supposed to do something important? I've felt that way for as long as I can remember. It's not that I'm special or anything. I'm just an ordinary person. As a matter of fact, when I first started having these feelings I was a very troubled person, to put it lightly. I've always had a good heart. I wanted to do the right thing but I usually ended up doing the exact opposite.
I remember the first time that I had these feelings...I was sitting on my friends couch crying about my latest heartbreak, feeling pretty sorry for myself and not sure why. See, I wasn't crying because of some crazy injustice that was done to me by some boy. No, I was crying because I broke Mark's heart...again. Mark was a good boy. He treated me very well. He didn't deserve the things I put him through. I knew this but I couldn't stop hurting him. It made me mad at myself. Why wasn't I happy with Mark? Why was I always looking for the next best thing?
While I was sitting there by myself, crying and feeling ashamed, I started praying to God. This was something I only did when I was in pain or needed something. Selfish. That was a good word for me back then...one of many. I did this because deep down inside of me, I KNEW there was a God. I just didn't want to believe it on a regular basis. I mean, if God was real He certainly wouldn't be happy with the way I was living my life.
He must have been awfully ashamed of me. But despite that, I still felt something when I prayed. I can't explain it. I've always felt like God wasn't giving up on me. Like He wanted me for something. Actually, I think what I felt was more like, God HAD wanted me for something but I blew it. I felt that if I hadn't chosen the path I was on at that moment then I WOULD'VE been chosen for something great.
I couldn't understand my feelings. I still don't even after all these years but I feel more strongly than ever that God wants to use me for something. I think I know what that is...finally.